Cover image by Mister Valentine! (Thank you my dear friend!!)
We get some situations in life where we are forced to modify some concepts , some change naturally and some simply cease to exist .
People live in pursuit of peace and my concept of peace has always been different from most of them . While my classmates , neighbors, colleagues found peace in peaceful communities , in nature , by traveling , with family . For me , peace always meant just the absence of problems .
After all , you learn to appreciate moments without major conflicts when you had the father I had. Mainly because these moments were rare .
Despite that my concept of peace, I got myself at least where I could find this peace, in the S.T.A.R.S. If you ask me why I chose that career maybe I could not explain at the time. They say we're only mature and ready to really make big decisions about our lives after we are thirty years old, but as we can not wait until then , we make our choices and we expect them to be the best .
Even with all the questions we have when we are young , it only mattered to me the only certainty I had " I want to use my gifts for good ." And that certainly was enough to accept the invitation to join the Alpha Team .
I remember like it was yesterday the bad feeling we all experienced when we needed to look for the Bravo Team . And all our nightmares began after we found the carcass of the helicopter in the woods .
The memory of all those horrible creatures was not as hard as the memory of the dead partners . Perhaps it is hard to see , smell and kill the first zombies . But after a few minutes the adrenaline takes the situation and everything becomes automatic. You stop thinking like a human being and starts thinking like a machine that needs to fulfill its mission , which is to survive . However , viewing dear ones being devoured in front of us could never be compared to an automatic action, without any feelings.
After the mansion incident a night-sleep could never bee the same . I would prefer a thousand dreams populated by hunters , spiders and zombies than a single dream reviewing Richard sacrificing himself to save me . Or even trying to hear Enrico tell me about the betrayal of Wesker and getting shot because of that.
At sometime , both Chris and I gave up on sleeping. We spent our nights busy in his apartment studying , analyzing and wondering why of everything.
He was much stronger than me. The first night he called me to go to his apartment , all I could do was cry. All the tension that was stuck inside of me made me burst into tears as soon as I saw him. If Chris was already a great friend then had become my best friend after that.
Firmly looking at me and with an apparent tension in his jaw, he just hugged me and left me there crying for hours . And I actually cried for hours because my tears represented a bit of all partners who we missed in that mansion .
I could never imagine all that was yet to come . Chris and I separated for some time and I would never have let him go alone if I knew Racoon end was so close .
More stress, more problems and more deaths . Unfortunately I learned the hard way that I was stronger , and maybe even colder this time . Chris was not there to save me , so I knew I needed to face my fears and limitations even, if I really wanted to survive , because that was my last escape .
Perhaps no one can imagine how sad it is to look at coffee shops we used to go, parks we used to visit, streets where we used to walk and even the place where we worked and see everything turned into a sad war scenario . But sadder still was looking at everything knowing that , because of the viral problem, there would be no resumption . It was definitely the end of Racoon City .
I left everything in the past , but the memories . The memories I could still carry with me, the moments when Racoon was just a city like any other , with children running , with sirens blaring , the smell of bread in the streets , with birds singing . A part of me still had the impression that this was just a long trip , of many years , that one day we would return to dear Racoon City .
That incident gave me the assurance that things would not stop there. Maybe not even in Europe and it really was what happened . By getting together with Chris again, we realized that war could perhaps last many years .
And sometime after returning from Russia , it was a very sad to announce that in fact it would be more than years , this war could last our whole lives , because we discovered that the end of Umbrella was not the end of the terror that haunted us. The biological hazard was then in the hands of the black market.
We were increasingly certain that this whole nightmare would not end, but we still would not give up . And this was our persistence and our whole connection that made Chris did not give up to find me after two years they considered me dead. He always knew deep down inside of him that I was alive .
I would save him from the hands of Wesker again if I needed. I'd throw myself on that precipice again, even though no nightmare would be worse than that which I lived.
Even though I got stronger by all previous events , losing friends , losing my home , losing my life . Nothing compared to what I felt after the events of Kijuju because there I lost nothing less than my own identity.
Seeing Chris again, embracing him and knowing that he was fine were of great comfort , but with more than marks and reactions from that virus I carried on me, I left Kijuju with deep wounds in my soul . I never thought I would do things that I was forced to do and even people telling it was not me , memories accompanied me .
More than three years have passed since the events and I still feel the result of those wounds . Some panic attacks visited me during all this time and in some of them I got afraid of my own hands .
Today these crises are less frequent , thanks to Isabel . An Angel that arrived in my life since I decided to isolate myself . Isabel takes care of me as if I were her daughter and gives me all the support I need, all the support I have rejected from Chris .
Today I know I had more peace during difficult situations by Chris side than I have right now living in a peaceful place , but knowing the things that happen out there . This concept has definitely changed . Now I understand that to have peace does not mean to live away from problems, but to face them fearless .
Things are more complicated than they seem . Sometimes we need to make certain decisions that go against our real desires, but which are necessary considering the gravity of the situation . And sometimes when we choose the right option instead of the real feelings that also means hurting someone who we did not want to.
Maybe one day he'll understand my decision. Maybe he will forgive me.
Note from the Author:
I am not a native English speaker, so I'm trying my best to write correctly. (I hope my writing is not that bad)
I plan to keep on writing, so I count on you to correct and help me, but please be kind, I am very sensitive LOL.